Growing up in rural Indiana, there was a day each year that I had circled boldly on my Bob Knight calendar, the famed day I’m referring to is opening day of hunting season. Even though I don’t hunt, ALL of my hill-jack classmates (girls included) took the first day of hunting season off from school and the whole class basically shut down because they were off foraging in the woods and slaying animals for their families to survive. So, for me, it was a glorious two full days of screwing around, a day free of idiots who spoke exclusively in double negatives, and I didn’t have to deal with asinine claims that Dale Davis was a better Davis than Antonio. (I liked the Indiana Pacers, A LOT.)
Through the years, I slowly began to appreciate the hunter’s I grew up around and quietly had an affinity for some of their hunting garb. The mainstay in EVERY outfit is that obnoxious looking orange all hunters are required to wear to prevent hunters from inadvertently shooting at one another due to being highly camouflaged. The article of clothing I’m referring to is known as hunter’s orange.
As I got older (and manlier) I learned to appreciate the different looks supplied by hunter’s orange and the more manly each variation of hunter’s orange took. Hunter’s orange is modern society’s way of distinguishing who hunts and who gathers. If you have a closet stock full of hunter’s orange and camouflage your are basically strutting around letting people know, “Hey! Look at me! I kill my own food. Enjoy that McRib while I go gut my deer and feed my family!”
Now that you know a little bit about hunter’s orange, Team Tallsome has developed an ornate and brilliant rating system for the different variations known as the Wearing Hunter’s Orange Rating Evaluation (WHORE). The WHORE is our quick guide to beef up your hunting attire going into this weekend, which happens to be opening day of gun season.
Gloves – 2 stars – The easiest way to meet your one article requirement is to head to the hunting section at Wal-Mart, tip your hat to Spoony at the check-out line, and snag some gloves. This is great and all, but I only give gloves two stars because EVERYBODY has some form of hunter’s orange gloves. Whether you’re at the tavern, on a nature hike stiff-arming unsuspecting hippies or perusing the beef at your local butcher shop, you’re probably going to run into somebody who has a pair of hunter’s orange gloves.
Hat – 3 stars – I’m only giving hats an extra star over gloves because the chances of you wearing a hunter’s orange NASCAR hat is pretty high. If you are wearing anything NASCAR related you automatically earn more stars. Is there a better place to show your love of Tony Stewart than on a grizzly bear hunting excursion? Answer: NO.
Gun – 6 stars – Nothing wards off potentially getting shot by a fellow hunter like a bright orange gun. Likewise, heading into the forest with a fully loaded hunter’s orange rifle let’s your hunting buddies know how strong you are with your sexuality and how not cool you are with getting shot at.
Overalls / Vest / Jacket combo – 7 stars – If you’re hunting covered in more hunter’s orange than camouflage your basically asking these unsuspecting and innocent animals your about to slaughter to run away before you can get a shot off. This just exudes confidence and really let’s everyone know 1.) not to shoot you or 2.) not to f!/@ with you!! Wearing the all orange camouflage outfit while on the prowl is like playing as FC Dallas (or some terrible non English Premier League team) in FIFA…you’re stacking the odds against yourself but coming out on top is the pinnacle of human emotion.
Beer Cans – 8 stars -A few years ago, Keystone Light started selling hunter’s orange beer cans to help keep hunters oriented while scourging a pond for ducks to snipe. If you drink Keystone Light out of orange cans you get eight arbitrary and pointless stars from me for being a man of men. You get those 8 stars because you are letting other hunters know: “Hey guys, I’m looking to feed my family and the townspeople, don’t shoot this way and spill my beverage that cost me 12 cents per can!“
Mustache – 10 stars – If you’re preparing for a weekend of slaying Bambi’s family nothing will draw attention to your Mo like painting that sucker bright hunter’s orange. This won’t count as your hunter’s orange clothing article, but your pals will undoubtedly be asking about it. You can fill them in on your ‘stache growing journey, snag some donations to your Mo page and show everyone how freakin’ manly you truly are.
Please note: Combining each of the aforementioned articles and wearing them simultaneously is known as a BINGO and hunting with your bare hands is not only acceptable but encouraged.
We are 10 days into Movember people, Max and I are FAR from our goal of $1,000. If you feel inclined, donate a few shekels to our Mo page and help change the face of men’s health. Also, please be careful and have fun this weekend to the brethren of the hunt!