Childhood Heroes … In the Real World

Part 1 by: Matt Jared

Growing up in the swashbuckling countryside of Southeastern Indiana I had quite the imagination. Not only could I dream up ways to wear entirely too tight black sweat pants everyday, I learned EVERYthing a young lad could about Star Wars, and how team defense will always prevail. I also became very attached to the comic book / tv show crime fighting badasses I watched every day. Somewhat unfortunately, I learned how to read, went to college and got a job. Typical for every American who desperately clings to youth and adolescence I’ve spent the last few years looking back and wishing I could post up for 12 hours at a time playing video games and eating Fruit Loops. Nowadays, I willingly run multiple miles at a time and say things like, “that design really spreaks to the brands aesthetic.” What a d-bag.

All of our favorite characters stay the same year in and year out, which is the magic of the comic books / video games / tv shows we grew up cherishing. Hollywood wised up about this and has been turning cool shit into lackluster cash cow movies for years and the draw will always be the same: we want to connect with super heroes, like we did in our youth.

Now that you’re crying because you miss playing Sonic the Hedgehog for 34 hours straight, we’ve decided to go on a massively awesome two part series where we explore where our favorite characters have landed, all grown up. Adulthood sucks, we all know, but  reminiscing about our favorite characters from yesteryear and imagining them in adulthood should be fun, so here we go …

Welcome to Team Tallsome’s comprehensive guide to super heroes in the real world!!

Batman

We all know Bruce Wayne was friggin jacked, rich, and uber-smooth around the hottest young lady’s in Gotham (Val Kilmer excluded), but how would the Dark Knight himself feel if he had to file TPS reports instead of zipping around the Batmobile jamming to “Some Cut” by Trillville? Let’s first look at his hours, I don’t know about you but waking up in the morning is a pretty difficult task sometimes, now imagine having to do that after spending years and years fighting crime throughout the night time hours. REM cycle be damned, a Batman needs to sleep too!! Waking up to catch the 7:15AM bus would kinda be tough considering the bat’s utility belt is missing when he goes to snatch a passing car.

Another major point keeping Batman in the booster seat of adulthood is clearly his lack of social skills. Even though he and Oren from Parks and Rec would have a lot to talk about, Gotham’s favorite vigilante would have a tough time getting around bars, the Farmers market or the office without scaring the shit out of everybody. The Caped Crusader seems to be generally depressed, rude and kind of an all around ass hole. Why does he always have to throw your everyday criminal in the trash? The ground works just fine, buddy!! This all gets expounded since he’s got this super creepy / raspy voice going on these days, good luck getting a date outside of the Snakehole Lounge, big guy.

Finally, I think Batman would struggle to cope with technology. I know, I know, he has all the utility belts, codes, suits, guns, cars, batarangs, sweet gadgets AND he even hacked a group of terrorist penguins to save Gotham once. However, if you really think about it, Batman wouldn’t be able to keep up with modern technology in the least. Imagine the Dark Knight with his short temper and bulky gloves strapped with lasers and all sorts of other fun stuff  crammed in a cubicle mashing his keyboard working down his  inbox and dealing with his superiors when his timesheets weren’t submitted by 5:00PM on Friday. Furthermore, we all know that Alfred was the brains behind the whole Batcave / Wayne Manor operation and butler’s aren’t really commonplace over here in the real world, so I suspect he would kind of suck at adulthood. He would be the first guy in line when the tech office opened to get his password reset and would have to choke out at least one intern if they looked at him the wrong way. Good luck in the real world, Batman, I would NOT want to be you. Except on Casual Friday, a hawaiian bat suit would pretty much sum up my existence.

Jonny Quest

Despite his formidable similarities to Steve Jobs (floppy hair during younger years, always wearing black mock turtle necks, a weird dog and an indian best friend) Johnny Quest was my dude growing up (Every day at 5:00PM on Fox 19!!). I know you’re going to go to run to mother internet and cry and complain how Johnny Quest was a TV star first and the comic books ensued . Well I’m gonna tell you that Johnny Quest was the man and this is my blog and its still ok that my mom cuts the crusts of my pbj’s!! Wait, what?!

The Golden Era of Awkwardness

Anyway, I think Johnny Q would have the least difficult time transitioning to real life adulthood because he would just do some funky math and science and engineer himself a new job on the spot. Also, having a dog is pretty sweet. Don’t get me wrong, Jonny Quest would have a tough time adjusting to the social situations faced in the real world. Jessie would probably get googley eyes for Hadji before long and Johnny would be left lonely and forced to hit up bars and online dating sites to find himself a lady friend. I’m assuming most dates would end in Johnny getting very excited and he would start yelling for Race Bannon to protect him before desert was even served.

Finally, I think sheer boredom would get to Jon. Having to pump your own gas, clean your non-flying car and hang out in a job where prolific Judo isn’t on your job description would get to him. Jonny would probably succumb to adventuring around the world and become a liberal arts professor to speak about his journeys. I also think he would be a shitty grocery shopper and wouldn’t have any good snacks and Bandit and Hadji would get pissed at him.

Captain America

I don’t really have anything to say about Captain America besides my nephew was the most badass Captain America you’ll ever meet at the neighborhood trick or treating block. I didn’t see the movie that came out last year or anything else related. Captain America makes the list for one reason and one reason only…patriotism. As long as THESE (see below) people are in the world, Captain America will fit in the real world, just fine.

Seriously, as long as Captain America is patriotic and knows when to appropriately start a USA chant at a bar (whenever you finish a beer, in my opinion), he will pass the adulthood aptitude test with flying colors (red, white and blue, obviously). Also, that huge shield could be great for cooking or sledding or something cool.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed today and remember to check back tomorrow to read Max’ opinion on the matter. If Max doesn’t feel like it I’ll find a substitute, or I’ll just re-write this whole post in pig latin or something.

Your’s in TPS reports – matt

How I start every morning

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