Updates from the Bro Journey Offices in Dubai

Well Good afternoon and happy Monday folks. Reporting to you today is the slightly still hungover and taller version of Team Tallsome from Cincinnati, OH: Matt. (I’ve always wanted to write my own intro to a game show, that will do, for now) Today Grandpappy Jared wanted to sit you down and fill you in on some serious shite that’s happening around these here parts. Now grab yourself a drink, tell your boss you’re taking a break and listen the f%(# up!!

Updates and Sh$*

1.) Someone stole my Moosejaw fleece this weekend. It’s totally replaceable and not that big of a deal especially because winter doesn’t exist in Cincinnati this year (win) but I’m pretty pissed off, nonetheless. I was at some cheesy bar downtown and I put it on a couch (it was a very shitty bar) and when I returned like an hour later it was gone. I want you to know that I love that fleece and whoever stole it should be 1.) warm 2.) sad as shit because I love that thing and miss it dearly. If you have an extra couple Moosejaw reward points send them my way so i can get a new one ASAP.

2.) The Bro Journey is making some changes. Max and I are going to sell it to Mark Zuckerberg for a quick billion so he can fully share his body hair endeavors…

Just kidding. Even though we look up to the Zucks, we still don’t fully endorse a product that negatively affected our GPAs so badly freshman year (and the following three years). The Bro Journey is making some serious changes to the site that will help you stay up to date on all of our activities and better help us pull up the site on our phones when we’re trying to impress people (smokin’ hot chicks) at bars. Along with a better design and user experience we’ll have a lot of cool stuff going on for you to keep up with Max and I and all the other bro journey members we are slowly accruing.

With these changes, TBJ will get shut down for a week or so as we frantically try and design and rebuild the site to better suit our readers (Hey Mom). During said week you’ll actually have to talk to your friends and hang out with people in real life (oh the humanity!!). Then we’ll return riding golden fiery chariots back into your digital comfort zones where we’ll bring the NOISE as we move forward on this wild little journey we’re on (or until our IPO opens at $200 billion (eat it, Zuckerberg!!)). So fear not friends, the same bro journey will be here for you when we return at the same bro journey time in the same bro journey place … except easier to navigate and (hopefully) easier to validate our careers to ladies we are trying to scoop up at local watering holes.

Fear not though journeyers the construction won’t go down for a few more days so rest easy knowing that you get hot and steamy journeys from us until we have to shut it down for a few days. We’ll be sure to let you know when we’re making our changes and we might even write a post or two on how to make a real life friend.

3.) Full Disclosure Friday, our most popular feature, is alive and kicking and we are ALWAYS looking for contributors. If you have something that you need to get off your chest (if it’s your chest fro you’ll be excommunicated from the bro journey), then we are all ears and would love to hear from you. Please note: Only hilarious and inappropriate things are welcome here. If you want to disclose your love for Max’ man body you’ll have to do is elsewhere, sicko. So go ahead and email us there or tweet either of us or send Hedwig our way for more information. Or don’t and ruin any chances you had for internet fame!! Well that’s it for announcements and such…

Since the bro journey is opening it’s door to so many people, Max and I wanted to set the tone for what we expect out of each other. I totally blew off a post last week and Max (figuratively) sent me to the bro journey dungeon (that we don’t have) to repent on my shortcomings. Since our chats are really funny I wanted to share it with everyone and let you know the wrath you will deal with if you F$&@ around these parts.

A little caveat before you read the conversation … Max and I plan to one day own Facebook, Google and Juicycampus.com with the earnings from selling off the Bro Journey to Grantland. So our conversations are a little wild and lucrative since we both are slightly delusional about our future success. Anyway, hope everyone is having a bang-up week and stay tuned as we delve into some seriously terrible writing and creep even more people out. Hugs and Kisses, Matt.

What Happens When You Suck at Your Job

Max:

So did you do a post for today?

Matt:

I did not

Max:

What the shit man?

Matt:

TBJ be damned I had to fall asleep at 9:30 watching House Hunters last night

Max:

Damn it man!

I don’t want excuses, I want content

Matt:

Here is where you bitch slap me into next week

I can do a date recap though, seems like people really want to know how it went

Max:

Seems like it, with a link to the twitter chain god damn it

Matt:

Can we have a dungeon in TBJ office where if you don’t do your job you get sent for an afternoon?

I would be in that dungeon now

Max:

Yes we can

And the only beer supplied in said dungeon will be warm, flat Ice House

Matt:

And we’ll have custom Ron videos from Offerman where he’ll berate you for being a dickhead

Max:

“So you didn’t do your job today? Well, I hate my job, but I at least make an attempt at convincing people otherw- wait- no I don’t, because I’m Ron F*cking Swanson and you’re NOT!”

Matt:

“So you’ll be in this dungeon for the next few hours”

“All you’ll have to eat or drink is this warm icehouse lager and a block of moldy cheese”

It magically appears in front of them

“And I expect it to be gone by the time I come back!”

Max:

Mark it, print it, make that happen

Matt:

Can that be our post today?

Max:

Yes

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