I Met The Bro Journey and Survived
It should be noted that I as I write about my personal experience with The Bro Journey, Max and Matt, I am drinking a 60/40% Vodka/OJ. These boys are serious bros and in order to make this magic happen, I need to have a little lubrication.
Matt Jared and I were introduced through a mutual friend, The Boss and owner of Blacklist, via Twitter. After two weeks of becoming Facebook friends, Twitter followers, and G-Chatting on the reg, I could have spotted this Big Daddy from a mile away. He’s big. And he’s got the most glorious man thighs I have ever seen. Max and I had not spoken before, and his excellently groomed beard was a little intimidating. I wanted Max to rub that sweet thing all over my face and body at first glance. After having read the entirety of The Bro Journey in preparation for “The First Meeting”, I was expecting a bow-tie and witty opening line from Max. This did not happen. It was an “oh hey, this is Max, he’s talking to his dad” from Matt, with Max’s exit to finish his conversation in private. A gentlemanly embrace followed minutes later.
My first night with TBJ, I learned how the two met. Max avoided Matt in college because of something called “The Swagger Swim”, which Matt was eager to show me when I confessed my ignorance on what it was (ask him to show you, friends, it’s f*@%-ing hilarious). Matt and Max talked about the horrendous drive from Cincinnati to Austin and how they both ended up in this glorious city. It should be noted that Max and Matt have met more hip people in Austin than I have in 4 years.
Flash forward one week from “The First Meeting”.
It’s SXSW and the website I work for is throwing a party with free booze. I proceed to get shit-faced and am trying my best to feed TBJ shots and beers in hopes that they would realize the truth, that I am the coolest person they know. I ended up taking over 100 photos of Max and Matt, most of which can be seen here. Instead of telling me to fuck off and leave them alone, TBJ embraced the paparazzi moment and reveled in poses and facial expressions (including gettin’ sexy with fly models). They soaked up the camera like they soak up mediocre girls slobber all over their chins after a make-out sesh including beer goggles. One thing I learned from TBJ that day: It’s okay to be young and drunk with a camera, anyone who gets pissed off about having a camera in their face doesn’t know dick about flattery.
In the days and nights since our first meeting, I’ve sat in the forested cave with TBJ (where Matt caught squirrels and cooked them for dinner after we saw The Hunger Games) while pondering the depravity of Captain Hook and wondering why the f*@# the crocodile even got turned into a clock in the first place. Max has a brain as big as his epic beard. Max frequently interjects with quips like, “Fun Fact” or “Interesting Fact”, before launching into a short story about something he read that day. Usually it’s from ESPN, sometimes it’s from IMDB, Popular Mechanics, or Huffington Post. Matt has many talents. He gives great hugs. Matt Jared hugs are like getting a mammogram on your whole upper body, it’s a soul squeeze.
The dynamic that exists between Matt and Max is ridiculous. After sustaining a major injury to his ankle, Matt was forced to sit out the Longhorn Run 10k last weekend, while Max and some very pretty lady-friends of TBJ got their run on. Matt, being highly athletic and enthusiastic about sports, was so bummed he had to sit this one out, suggested I come with him to cheer our friends on. As Max came around the corner curve at Dean Keaton and Duval, Matt ran beside him, yelled “Way to go bro!”, in an Aussie accent (obtained from SXSW when they met the founders of Movember) and smacked Max’s ultra-sweaty ass-cheek. Beads of sweat rang off of Max’s buttocks as if Claudia Schiffer herself had slapped it. The two continued for two steps more just smiling at each other before Matt returned to his post to watch for the cute girls. They’re a team.
What has been an interesting journey with the bros has also been enlightening. In the short time that I have known them I have learned quite a bit.
1.) Always put lists in your blog posts.
This seems to make the blog post way more interesting/easy to read if you put your ideas into numbers.
2.) Find something to run to or from.
The Bro Journey likes to run. They run at Town Lake past doggies and girls, they run around UT campus, hell they even run from the cops on occasion. I’ve even seem Max literally run to the bar (SXSW is intense, y’all).
3.) The Bro Journey is a passionate bunch.
Matt and Max are all about doing things. They go to dinner parties, they play downtown, they run through the city, they play on an indoor soccer league, they lay on the couch, and they do things no one could ever know in the comfort of that man-cave they call home.
What do I have to say about Max and Matt? They’re hilarious. Max is tall, Matt is taller. They’ve got big hearts, and big feet. They don’t have cable, and they run a lot. The Bro Journey has a long way to go, but for Matt and Max, getting there will be the best part. The night I met Max and Matt was like taking my first steps on The Bro Journey. It’s been fun. I know it will only get better.