NOTE: Today is my first attempt at gathering folks for an unofficial Bro Journey Happy Hour. We had planned on me posting the next review for the Batman series, but I’m going to get that to your lovely fat faces early next week. So here’s today’s FDF, I love you all. – matthew william isaac “i have four names and am better than you” jared
We here at The Bro Journey spend hours upon hours antagonizing one another in athletic competitions, non-atheletic competitions, eating competitions, and a million other challenges where we are pitted against one another for the glory of The BroJo (our apartment). Sometimes these challenges and events are legit (we just signed up for Tough Mudder) where we are on a team competing against the universe to not stomp us out, other times we participate in totally non-legit screaming matches about obscure pop culture references (see THIS post and the fact that Seal is a part of Batman Forever (which is bullshit by the way)) and sometimes we occassionally let chance and luck take over in our battles. Tonight is one of those nights where we are using the forces of nature to fight our bro battles for us. Tonight we dine in amphibious hell. Tonight we are going Turtle Racing!!!
Here are three reasons why turtle racing is awesome and why (if you are in Austin) you should join us…
1.) Fun (not the band, you jackal)
Now I know what you’re thinking…
“Max and Matt, how DARE you take those innocent creatures for granted and make them slaves for your entertainment, comradery and competition. Lord Chris Bosh will smite you when he revolves into the Dino King he once was and reigns over all of Planet Earth!!”
First off all, calm the f down, PETA. This harmless event is a fun way for turtles to make friends, get some exercise and make some cash for their owners. Second of all, this is Texas and the state law requires me to do whatever the shit I want to do. So sit down, be quiet or KINDLY LEAVE.
I know it may seem a little inhumane but the fact of the matter is, Max and I need to keep our Bro Competition safe and sound and the best way to do such a thing is to attend obscure events around town where we can drink copious amount of beer for a reduced or no cost to us, yell at each other and ultimately not talk to anyone else but one another. Enter turtle racing. A cheap way for us to keep our competitive spirits thriving while we have some fun (albeit at the turtles expense).
2.) It’s the start of summer
And that means that its going to get hotter than the hinges of hell every single day from now until December, or something like that. It’s been relatively COOOL (Mr. Freeze voice) the past few weeks, but Satan’s ass is about to explode all over this great state and it’s going to be 105+ for three days next week. The super secret and discreet location of our underground turtle racing ring (Captain Woody’s bar on W. 6th) is very nicely air conditioned with big ass fans and mist machines and freezing cold beer. This might be the last time I emmerge from the BroJo or other air conditioned places until tailgate season overwhelms my entire being. Furthermore, what better way to get close to nature during summer than to procure some turtles, cover them in a garbage can and gamble on which one will exit the playing surface first? It’s like being back in camp again!!
You all know that I enjoy placing a few bets from time to time. I’ll be damned if I don’t put some money on these hard shelled little guys. That is all. (Insert sneer and my henchmen coming to cart you off in an unmarked car).
So as your packing up your work this afternoon remember about the happenings going down at Captain Woody’s (Little Woodrows) this evening and come join us for some fun, summertime shenanigans, drinking and gambling. Or don’t and have a shitty night. The choice is yours…